Greetings and salutations, Winter. Thank you so much for sleeping through December and waking up in the middle of January.

And of course, special thanks to all the renowned meteorologists who so accurately predicted “significant” snowfall this year. You have gifted this disgruntled senioritis stricken young man with much more to grumble about.

In other news, according to my calculations the average South Lakes hallway is diseased with at least one disagreeable, smooching couple each day between classes.

Thus, I would like to pose some questions to some of these Lifetime Movie Network couples. Just a side note, I have never watched an entire program on this heinous TV station.

Does your significant other fight aliens after the bell rings? Is it very likely that he or she will die one day during an alien fighting operation?

If not, why must you so passionately, ravenously, and vulgarly feast on each other’s lips during school hours in between every single period? If your significant other is simply going to class and not to war, I promise, he or she will surely return in approximately 1.5 hours unless he or she met somebody else during the period.

As my readers know, I have been a passionate crusader for the anti-PDA cause for quite awhile.

For years I, along with my disgusted peers, have endured the struggles of navigating a school infested with lip wranglers.

For the first time ever, I am actually ashamed on behalf of our poor, innocent freshmen who are inevitably desensitized by these naughty scenes of utter teenage vulgarity. It must be so hard handling all this adult material prematurely. I mean c’mon, they can barely handle navigating their own subschool.

Before you sign me off as extreme, allow me to put all of this into perspective.

Imagine walking down the hallway and seeing teacher after teacher, at every corner, making out with his or her spouse or significant other, and imagine that this is happening during every break.

Would you be able to consume and fully digest a lunch after that?

Public Displays of Affection are neither cute nor acceptable, and justifying them under the pretext of “young love” is bogus. There are plenty of fine ways to show love.

Have hugs lost their meaning? Is eye contact no longer dramatically romantic? Is

“Snapchatting,” “selfieing,” and texting every minute of the day no longer satisfactory affection?

I fear Valentine’s Day will simply be unbearable.