It has come to my knowledge that some readers in my vast audience think they have figured out my top secret “on the edge formula.”

“He starts by saying something unrelated to his article and then he rants like a maniac about a completely different topic, and his only objective in his writing is to stir trouble.”

These allegations are absurdly false and should be condemned as defamation. Each of my writing pieces discusses one uncontroversial issue from start to finish.

Now that I have addressed these absurdities, I think I will proceed to launch into a completely different topic.

These maze-like hallways of our beloved campus are much too rowdy for the likes of a senior citizen as I, and I say this on the behalf of my wary senior classmates.

We sunset-year drifters must endure “Eight Minute Mayhem” every time the wretched bell rings. This is the riot that takes place in the hallways in between classes.

The staircases are seldom without an overly dramatic obscenely demonstrative snogging obsessed couple, and the hallways are without order. Freshmen plant their puny bodies in wall formations

menacingly blocking access to physics classrooms, and, in general, students clutter intersections seeing nothing wrong with stopping in the middle of the stairs or hallways to plan Friday night’s “tea time.”

South Lakes needs a new spirit day called “Single File Line Day.” We could line up in our classrooms when the bell rings, and be escorted by our teachers to our next classes. It would be a day of pleasant

remembrance, of earlier more peaceful days.

The issue is actually quite simple. Allow me to illustrate.

When drivers cruise down Reston Parkway, they do not decide to drive into oncoming traffic to wave to a passing driver. Or, a pedestrian does not saunter out into the center of a busy street and then act surprised when a large truck ends his or her days. That is unless he or she had a naughty beverage beforehand.

Many have suggested that we cannot make our hallways neat when there are so many of us, but I disagree. I was on I-95 during a Memorial Day rush, and apart from the occasional belligerent truck driver, there was order.

So, for the sake of spontaneity I will actually present a legitimate solution to this problem.

The administrators must install traffic lights in all passageways, have crossing guards at busy intersections, post speed limits around the campus, ticket violators, and detain all kissing brutes.

Above all, us elderly folk gotta make it to class in one piece.